But I just want to relax...

I can't tell you the amount of times that I uttered these words to myself or I hear a client of mine say these words in a session.

Its like the trump card for someone who is using food to manage their emotions. And the tricky part is that using food or wine are incredibly popular these days. We cheer one another on, tell each other that we deserve it, that we had a hard day, there are memes, and social media post all about how using food in this capacity is totally the norm and okay for you to do it too!

But why? Does the food or wine ACTUALLY make you relax? Or does it just create a temporary moment for you to check out and create the illusion of relaxation. What happens once the cookie is ate or the glass of wine is drank? Did it actually create that relaxation in you? Do you need to go back for more because you are not quite there yet?

But more importantly what are you trying to relax from? What is causing stress, overwhelm anxiety, or worry so much so that you need to relax from it?

We are not taught to ask ourselves these questions. We don't questions our own thoughts because we are not even aware of our own thoughts. And that is what my job is a coach is. To help you become aware & recognize your thoughts. Then I take you through a process of changing those thoughts.

So here is the deal. Your stressed, overwhelmed, anxious and worries because your thinking is stress, overwhelmed, anxious and worried.

You have an ever growing list of to-do's that you keep telling yourself you will never be able to get done.

You see a kitchen that is full of dishes, a floor covered with toys, and about 14 loads of laundry that either need to be put in the washer, put in the dryer, folded, or put away but you are just so DAMN exhausted.

You have a deadline at work, soccer games to attend, a husband that wants your attention, homework that needs to be completed, and a dog that needs to desperately get his nails cut and you feel like you are failing at it all, and inevitably letting someone down.

And the thoughts start

"I don't have enough time."

"I'm drowning."

"I"m failing my kids."

"I'm not a good wife."

"How can I possibly get all of this done."

"There is not enough time."

"I'm an awful mom."

"I deserve a break."

"I worked hard today."

All of these thoughts weather you realize it or not are creating the stress, overwhelmed, exhaustion, overworked, anxious feelings. And you don't want to feel those. So you drink a couple of glasses of wine & get lost in a tub of ice cream for a few minutes to distract yourself from what is really happening and then you hustle harder until the next time you need to RELAX...which will be tomorrow.

But what if you went to the source, the root of the problem? What if you started focusing on that initial thought? What if you started actually working to solve the problem, instead of distracting yourself for a few minutes?

How would that impact you and your day and your life?

Last week I was at the end of the night, FINALLY getting the boys to sleep. As I shut the door, my first thought was I am so exhausted, followed by I just want to relax, followed by oh my gosh the kitchen is a mess, followed by I need something to eat.

Here is the problem. I wasn't hungry. But my thoughts are so connected with relaxation = eat food, take a break = eat food, check out for a few minutes from my reality so I don't have to deal = eat food. My brain automatically goes there!

I have two choices I get to either change my thinking or I get to actually find a solution to the problem. For the sake of this post not getting obnoxiously long I'm going to share about how I found a solution to actually solve my problem.

See my problem was I was tired and the kitchen was stressing me the heck out. But instead of actually finding a solution to these problems, my default {and many of my clients} is to check out and relax for a few minutes with food. It gives a temporary distraction to the emotional drama happening within your brain.

But it solves NOTHING! Once you are done with that chocolate cake or that glass of wine. The kitchen is still going to be messy and you are still going to be exhausted but now that stress and overwhelm is all covered in chocolate cake with a side of guilt and shame.

So deal with the problem. For me that came in the form of changing my thoughts. Taking a few minutes {about 15} to pick up my kitchen and living room. It became my gift of relaxation. My thinking became give yourself this gift of relaxation. Give yourself this time to do something that is going to actually make you feel better. Because I can't relax with a messy house. So I picked up. I made a choice to be productive and solve the actually problem instead of being destructive by finding any piece of food that I could to distract me.

Once the kitchen was clean and the toys were put away, there was no need for the chocolate or wine, because I had solved the problem that I wanted to use food to cover up with. I was still exhausted but there was also a way to solve that problem...Go to Bed!

Also just to be clear! I'm not saying NEVER have a glass of wine, a bowl of ice cream, or your favorite cookie. I'm saying eat those things because you want them, not because you are trying to distract yourself from the emotions that you are feeling. You won't find the solution in the food or drink. You find the solution in giving space to those emotions, allowing them to be there, and working on changing them if they are not serving you.